Potty Training a Penis

Potty Training A Penis -

I'm a "girl"!!  I can "do" girls.  I'm up for it!  I know how they think, act, and most of all I know how they PEE.  I know all the nuances that goes along with being a female and the potty process that goes on with us for life.  So I barely remember the potty training process with my first child, a girl.  It was that easy. 

My next however was going to be a boy and knowing ahead of time didn't prepare me one bit.   UH OH.  Now what the hell am I going to do with a boy?  I don't know a darn thing about them.  Immediately all of the ribbons and bows and pretty dresses I had saved for my "next" were dry rotting in my imagination and my attic. 

But worse, all I could think about was that he was going to have a penis.  Oh, and the rest of his "boy stuff" that goes with it.  But it was mostly the thought that he was going to have a penis and that I was going to have to take care of it for him for about two years that totally freaked me out. It gets worse.  Then I have to teach him how to do it so I don't have to anymore.  Geezus!!!  I have to do something I don't know how to do and then teach him something I don't know. 

Dad?  YEAH right.  Unless it involves something that starts and ends with "That's my boy!!", I'm on my own as a mom when it comes to "whatever you do" with "whatever he's got".

Well, to my credit I certainly called that one when it came to Dad.  It just so happens he had bragging rights when he first saw him.  Though he wasn't rude enough to say it in the delivery room, he certainly bit his tongue with "That's my BOY!!" when he first saw that my son was blessed with the BIGGEST penis I thought a baby could ever have.  GREAT.  Not only do I have to take care of this, but geezus, did there have to be so much of it??  Maybe it's just something to do with a newborn boy - I don't know.  I told you this was my first and if I had anything to do with it, I may never want to see another penis again.  Not from having another child and certainly not from the man that participated in the creation of this penis child to begin with. 

I'm just suddenly not into this strange appendage now that I have a child and he has one.  I must have worried so much while pregnant about this growing penis child inside me and that made it overgrow! My penis worry was like penis fertilizer or something!  Ok.  So now it's my own fault.  Like I said, not having any experience with boys, maybe they are all like that when they are born.  Some kind of birth swelling or something?  Hell I don't know. 

But there's no time for worrying about it now.  I have to take care of it.  (Right after Dad takes a picture of it which now adays they would put you in jail for that but at the time, he only did it because he was just in awe - and envy).   Well, all my worries were for nothing I guess.  At least for a while.  Other than dodging the darn thing each time I changed a diaper to keep from having to wash my hair each time the firehose fired up, I was doing fine.  UNTIL. 

Suddenly, it's just that time where potty training has to be started and I have no earthly clue, when sitting a little boy on the potty ( I did at least realize not to start with the standing up pee yet) what to do with the damned thing.  Now all pottys seem to be generic even though some had a few more bells and whistles.  But there's no penis directions on the potty itself ( I searched the box, the plastic wrapper and every inch of the potty itself for anything that would tell me what to do if there's a penis involved.)  But when sitting him on the potty it was very apparent that the potty I bought had to be missing something. 

It had to be missing something.  What.  Because as endowed as my son might have been there was no keeping it IN the potty while he sat there.  To keep him occupied while I figured it out, I gave him a book.  Back to the box and still stuck in there was a snap on cup thing.  GREAT!  Except you had to put it on each time because if you left it on, he would actually WRECK himself trying to rush and sit down OVER the cup thing.  Piss poor design (forgive the really bad pun here).  But I managed and Potty training went pretty well until it was time for the DAD part which came very soon after we just started the "sit there and read a book and call me when you're done part". 

Now this was just not something I could do. Teaching the "standing pee".  I can't do it.  I don't want to do it and the one time I tried to do it myself at this really nasty campground bathroom, I not only peed all over myself, but I slipped while doing it and fell in my own pee, because you just can't spread your legs enough to stand over a nasty toilet and pee with your pants still ON.  (Another story that I probably will never elaborate on except to say I didn't catch any fish on that camping trip either and I will never go camping again - roughing it for me now is no room service).

So after all these many months of teaching and training and caring for this little penis, I have to turn it over to Dad and I must say, I was nervous.  I wanted him to do it and do it right and make it a really great thing so I never have to help him with this when Dad isn't around.  Besides, don't boys have one of those extra ladder thingies on their male chromozone gene widget that's a "pee anywhere" gene? You know.  The "pee on any bush" gene.  The "mark my territory" gene.

Well, Dad takes him in our master bath for his first "big boy pee" as Dad called it, with me hovering just outside the open bathroom door, backseat driving the whole thing even  though I wasn't watching and I had no driver's license for this sort of thing.  But I can now hear them both, standing there together at the toilet, with DAD teaching by example.  Ok, that was his idea but if it worked I was ok with that.  The "boys" peeing together.

All is quiet other than the mutual splash, when suddenly my two year old says (in his little boy voice that I can't quite mimic in type)... "Daddy? Why doth your penith have a muthstache".

I gave my son icecream for his first standing pee, and extra sprinkles just for saying that because I knew that I was going to tell this story one day, after telling his wife about it first.  (Ok, so I told you first but if he gets married I'll tell her too.  Hell, maybe I DID tell his prom date though so you may be the second to hear it.)

But from that day forward, I never ever ever had to take care of my son's penith.. uh I mean penis, or anything that had to do with it.  I was DONE.  Finished.  Yee haaawww!! Wait.

I'm LYING.

Now you KNOW I'm lying about that last part.  At least when it comes to PEE training because then there is the toilet seat etiquette, the "NOT FLUSHING is not an option" training, the "clean it up if you make a mess" training"... and this training goes on for many many more years.  Just ask Dad.  He probably still hasn't graduated that class yet and he swears I used to hover outside the door when he went too just so I could rush in afterwards and inspect, but I swear it's only because I had to pee too.  The bitching afterwards was just a bonus.

STOP Those Bot Calls & (201) 263-4339 Is One Of Them

Starting at 8:30 am my phone started ringing.  EVERY 15 to 20 minutes.  ALL day LONG.  Not even a break for lunch.  Sometimes the number (201) 263-4339 showed up on Caller ID and sometimes it just said PRIVATE.  But it was the same place.  Because the same "air" type sound could be heard.  The telephone "bot" sound.   No one spoke.  No one would respond.  It would not disconnect though.  Only if I hung up.

I remembered back in May, there was THIS issue which was all over our local TV news and the internet about the auto warranty calls.  And this was happening all over the United States.  Car Warranty telemarketers calling ALL day, every day.  That was stopped by the FTC before I had a chance to  even do anything about it after the first day.  But I was a victim of them too.  (And a participant in the payback I might add - read the comments there and here at Multiply especially.  (Thanks to Jeff at Multiply for his links about the subject )

BUT at least those people SPOKE.  Today, all day - no one would say a word.  They were automated BOT calls.  Well after HOURS of this, with my entire family being disturbed, (mother in law ill, hubby in bed with a bad back and I with a broken toe, a migraine, no sleep the night before, no pain pills just wishing I could SLEEP),  I couldn't take my phone off the hook permanently ( I was waiting on a doctor to return my call and HIS phone shows up as private sometimes).  I was STUCK trying to protect the rest of the family from these calls, hoping they could get some rest while I dealt with them.

First, I googled the number HERE.  NO SURPRISE HERE either.  Look at the complaints!

I wanted to ream someone a new asshole.  I wanted to punch someone and see blood.  I wanted someone to HURT as much as I did.  I wanted to spew forth the vilest of all vile words and I wanted someone to hear them.  And I know them ALL and I know how to string them together well enough to possibly burn in hell (and it would be well worth it).  I wanted to go ONE ON ONE and I needed that ONE to do it to.  I wanted to PROVE that I was the ONE person they did not want to ever call again.  I wanted to be the ONE PERSON that NO one would ever call again or call anyone within my internet reach.  I quite possibly can accomplish this as soon as this post shows up on GOOGLE.  (Feel free to link)


Noon - I started calling OUT.  The phone number that DID occasionally show up on caller ID was in WESTWOOD NEW JERSEY.  Some dive of a shithole call center somewhere in this area HERE.  I googled it.  I traced it.  I did everything I could to find a working INBOUND number to whatever terrorist group that decided to erode our American way of life and peaceful existence by making me CUSS out loud every 20 minutes, for at least 10 of the 20 minutes.  I wasn't successful in that ONE endeavor.

Then I got BUSY being successful.   First call was to the FTC.  I filed a complaint with them, giving them the number and all information I had.  I talked to a live person and I was persistent through the phone menu to make sure I talked to someone live.

I got a complaint number.  This is the first and MOST important step you can do because they shut these places down based on the complaints THEY RECEIVE.  Make SURE you are registered on the DO NOT CALL list.  It's PERMANENT.

  After 31 days you can file a complaint against ANY telemarketer that calls you.  (I'm already on the DO NOT CALL LIST but at the FTC I was able to do it BY PHONE, automated, so I did it again)  You can also do it HERE ONLINE.

(Keep in mind now, WHILE I'm on the phone with the FTC, they are still ringing IN on my phone)

Next, I called the WESTWOOD, NJ police department.  Of course I got the "run around".  Know how I know?  Because they told me they had no way of finding out WHERE the phone number goes to.  BULLSHIT.  However I made sure I made my complaint to them to include the phone number.  I got a name too.  ALWAYS get names of who you talk to.

Then I called MY POLICE DEPARTMENT.  They had an officer call me back.  I gave my report and all info to them.  They couldn't take an "official" report as a crime (which generates a report number) but the officer gave me the number and his name in case I needed anyone to call him to verify that the police here was called.  (Very nice officer, I might add and sympathetic because I'm sure he too has to put up with this kind of CRAP on his own home phone).  He was going to try to call the number as I had done but he too would only get, Press 1 for an "specialist" , who is "not available, call back later", or Press 2, to be taken off the call list which DO NOT DO EITHER.  That means you are AVAILABLE for another call.

NEXT, I called Verizon in WESTWOOD NJ - CORPORATE office, who is the PROVIDER of that phone number, and I filed an official complaint with them (as best you can which is really lame - they want YOUR provider to provide the complaint to them - Verizon is not my provider).  I called them TWICE as a matter of fact to make SURE they knew I wasn't kidding around.  They wanted me to call my provider EMBARQ.  I told them I'm reporting this to both.  (There's Verizon Wireless and Verizon land line and I called the wrong one and they connected me to the right one so just google it if you need it and do what I did)

I called MY PROVIDER - EMBARQ which in a way was even more lame but I wanted names and numbers to show that I had done MORE than MY due diligence about the problem.  They wanted me to call VERIZON which I've already done.  They told me my options which I already knew.  Change my number - NO.  Pay $5 extra month to block numbers individually - NO because they can call from more than one number in the call center.  And finally the * options.  One for call trace (did that in case I need it) and the other * for blocking ALL blocked calls (PRIVATE for instance).  Those are FREE options and I did those.  Look in your local phone book or call your phone provider office or look online for exactly what your free * options are also.  They may be different than mine.

REMEMBER - By this time I'm OUTBOUND calling for several hours and the entire time this place is beeping in on ME.  (I have call waiting caller ID so I could tell and if it was the doctor he would just have to wait.  I was on a ROLL).

These call centers (bots) pay by the minute for outbound calls.  They play the numbers hoping to get someone who is willing to give information on the phone you should NEVER give to a stranger.  They also make these automated calls registering when someone answers the phone, and they sell THIS information to other telemarketers.  In my case NOT ANSWERING all day didn't work either.  It kept calling every 15 minutes regardless but that's for your information.  It's POSSIBLE that this bot was malfunctioning, but I was about to find out.

NEXT, I called my local TV station.   They asked if I would be willing to be interviewed for the local news coming up in about an hour but I said no.  (They always want to freaking interview me and I wasn't in the mood to DO my HAIR)   But I gave them all the information that I had and what I was doing and that I would follow up with them when I had even more information, since they reported on the car warranty issue described above.

Next, I called EMBARQ REPAIR SERVICE.  Now there was nothing that needed repairing, but if you want to know something about your phone service, THESE guys know it.  They know more than anyone else that works for your phone service.  I got the absolute NICEST repair service man at EMBARQ.  And this is what he told me to do.

Block the private calls first.  Then it will HAVE to call in showing a phone number if it's goiung to call at all.  When THAT happens, answer it and lay the phone down.  CHA CHING.  They aren't aware that there's an open line,  You have effectively disable them from making outbound calls on that line.  Not just to your house.  Anywhere.  You've locked their system up.  The ONLY way for them to unlock it, is for them to disconnect from you and then remove your number from their system.   This will take a LIVE PERSON on their end to do so.  It might even take them a while to realize that they have just racked up this ENORMOUS pay by the minute phone bill.  By enormous, I mean, the guy told me - leave it off the hook connected to them ALL DAY OR NIGHT if need be.  He knew his stuff.  We talked over half an hour, and for the first time today, I had HOPE at the thought of sticking IT to another one of these phone terrorists. 

His final recommendation was to POST THIS so everyone knew about how to do this.

Payback is a bitch, and I'm one pissed off bitch at this point.

After hanging up with him, (the entire time we talked it was RINGING IN but I wanted to make sure I had all the information I could get from this great guy), I * blocked all CALLER ID BLOCKED numbers.  I waited.  Five minutes.  Nothing. Silence.    I knew it was only temporary.  After all,  they were still calling in during the day with the number actually showing some of the time.  Ten minutes later... RINNNGGG... 

I'm ready to lay the phone down and then go get my pain pills.  I answer it and suddenly THERE WAS A LIVE person on the phone.  Now he was some foreign phone terrorist.  I couldn't understand a word he said.  BUT .. He understood ME.

I told him I just got off the phone reporting his company AND HIM PERSONALLY to the FTC, the WESTWOOD NJ, my local police department, Verizon, MY phone service provider, the SCC, the IMMIGRATION DEPARTMENT (my all time favorite that usually applies) and if his ass or any other ASS from his company called my phone again I would personally show up there in his shithole of a callbank and pull his tonsils out THROUGH his PENIS with a chain saw and to remove my number from their system NOW.

He started stuttering, I heard a sharp intake of breath (or fear)  in whatever guttural foreign language he spoke and I slammed the phone down. 

I hung up.  I have YET to get another call after that.  4:00 PM.

Just call me PAYBACK.

And if you are going to call me, you just might want to call me and tell me you are going to call me first. 

Depending on how I feel tomorrow, I just might pursue this even further.  I'm sure there's more places I could call.  My Congressman for instance.  Wonder if Obama might be free for lunch.

How to Address Defamatory Online Content

Defamatory online content, and what you can do about it when it involves you. 

What can you do when you find content about yourself online that you think is defamation? How do you address it? Is it possible to have it removed from search results or from the web altogether?

Many times, individuals and businesses contact Google to request the removal of controversial or illegal content from its search results and other services, such as Google Groups, Google Maps and Blogspot, says Mike Yang, Google's managing product counsel. The Chilling Effects Clearinghouse documents the countless requests Google receives to remove allegedly defamatory content from its services.

CONTINUE READING HERE

Modest Needs

Help someone else or help yourself.  If you have a short term financial need, this is the place to go. 

http://modestneeds.org

Dear Gina's Myspace Page - We're here for your Father's Car

An article written here at NetNewsDaily caught my attention (I always say it's all about the title!)

The lengths that Companies and collection agencies will go to truly is unbelievable, and I suspect this one's a done deal in court.  Want to bet they settle?  

ALWAYS, When Shopping For A Gift!

ALWAYS, when shopping for a gift for someone else, I find something that I absolutely must have.  Now if I was actually shopping for me, I wouldn't have found a thing.  What a great gift idea!!  Apparently it comes in the $200 "size" too but this one, though pricey, is still affordable.  Reading the reviews, it's apparently well worth it.

ECOSPHERE POD!

Hold a world in the palm of your hand. Developed by NASA, the EcoSphere is a complete, closed bio-regenerative ecological system, sealed in hand blown glass. Contains earth, water, air, and life (algae, shrimp, and microbes that provide each other with nutrients). All this 5.25" pod needs to sustain itself is indirect sunlight.

More HERE and don't forget to read the reviews.

P.S.  I'll get her a scarf.  I'm getting this for me.