You Can't Argue With A Child's Logic

You Can't Argue With A Child's Logic -

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, " Then you ask him "

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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.  She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.  She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up a nd say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That 's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood.  Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary posi tion the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.  At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.  The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE.  God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want.  God is watching the apples.  !

Dilbert Quotes To Get Your Day Going

Dilbert Quotes To Get Your Day Going -

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

6. I DON'T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, YOU HAVE A PERCEPTION PROBLEM
.


7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "where the heck is the ceiling?"

8. My reality check bounced.

9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

10. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

13. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

14. Never argue with idiots. They drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

15. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the butt.

16. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

20. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

22. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

23. Following the rules will not get the job done.

24. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

25. Only the mediocre are at their best all the time.

26. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

27. Bring ideas in and entertain them royally, for one of them may be the king.

28. If at first you don't succeed......skydiving isn't for you.

29. Life is a waste of time; time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

30. When everything is coming your way......you're in the wrong lane. 

And Then The Fight Started..

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She
asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas/petrol station. And then the fight started...

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security retirement benefits. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started...

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.' And then the fight started.....

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a whole case of beer for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream. And then the fight started....
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My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday. And then the fight started....

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I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started....

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My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No", she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....